BIGBY’S CRUSHING THIRST DESTROYER!!

September 23rd, 2009

Apparently upset by the possibility that they were out-nerded by Mountain Dew’s WoW-themed soda bottles and advertising, Jones has joined forces with Dungeons and Dragons.  Most of the flavors aren’t really very creative, but I have to give it up for “Bigby’s Crushing Thirst Destroyer,” because, man, that sounds like it really destroys your thirst.

Soda...FOR NEEERDS!

Soda...FOR NEEERDS!

You can find out more about this tragedy at their website.  I’ll try and get some and drink it.

Halllowweeeeeen!

September 18th, 2009

Ok, so I’m no X-Entertainment, but I do love me some Halloween.  Target has just started coming out in force for this holiday and I’m pretty pleased with what they’ve got.  There are items for all the important parts of your day, from toothpaste to paper towels and sandwich bags.

Scary Toothpaste!

Scary Toothpaste!

Taking a cue from Starbucks a few years ago, they have created their own trio of monsters and have literally dozens of items themed on them.

They also have some deal going on with “Skelanimals,” so there’s a lot of merchandise there, too.

All in all, my initial haul was good.  I got some of the little monsters, lot of tissues, and of course, CANDY!  I’m not sure that making a Peppermint Patty look like a pumpkin has any influence on its taste, but it seems like the right thing to do!  And now they have black cat Peeps to go with the ghost and pumpkin peeps!

As you can see, my wife even got a Hello Kitty Halloween candy bucket.  Something has to go into Hello Kitty’s empty head!

I’m going to read this book.

August 31st, 2009

So, Zack Parsons, who is a crazy person that writes for Somethingawful and who has written 2 excellent books, mentioned this novel in one of his articles.  I decided I have to have it.

Rebellious Texans kidnapped the President of the U.S.  His future rested with a band of fearless Israelis whose courage had been tested in other wars!

Who can resist that?  The plot is that WW3 happened in 1992 and somehow Israel was the only nation that survived with no problems.  So thats sort of unlikely, even back in 1974 when they wrote this crap.  But hey, it’s not even 200 pages, so I will know how bad it is SOON ENOUGH.

I don’t do this for myself.  I do it for all of you who might be curious about wether Texas or Israel would win in a fight.

Space Invaders never get old

August 11th, 2009

If there’s one thing I love, it’s a classic shmup.  If there’s another thing I love, it’s weird modern takes on old games.  Space Invaders is hardly the only game to get this treatment, but it gets it fairly regularly and usually in an official fashion.

They're HEEERE!

They're HEEERE!

The latest rad version of this phenomenon is Space Invaders Infinity Gene.  This is really more like a modern shmup (with touch screen controls, actual good ones) with Space Invaders graphics and a vector-art sensibility than it is like old-school Space Invaders, but that doesn’t stop me from loving it.

The idea is that as you score points in the game, you fill up a “Gene” bad that unlocks new abilities, and it seems like if you replay you can unlock multiple abilities per level that you use as you replay (I don’t know if the abilities get unlocked in order or if you have to be on a specific level to unlock a certain ability) giving you more and cooler things to do as you bust some pixels.  All this accompanied by some great electronic music and sound effects.

Of course, if you missed it and have an Xbox 360, you should probably get your hands on Space Invaders Extreme, which goes a little more retro in the graphics area, and makes the whole thing into a crazy rhythmic affair with your shots and kills actually syncing into the music.  (This game also exists on PSP and Nintendo DS, but I ain’t got those).  And if you like THAT, don’t forget that Namco did something similar for Pac-Man and Galaga.  I have and love them all, but there’s frankly on so much a man can play at a given time.

Late edit: Holy crap, this game can just up and create new levels based off songs in your library.

He-Man Has the Power

August 10th, 2009

Some people, like me, are G.I. Joe people. Some people are He-Man people.

My friend Ben is a He-Man person. He made even a song. It makes me almost wish I could join his heathen He-Man ways, but I’ll be a Joe until I die. It’s my name even.

What have you wrought, Rise of Cobra?

August 9th, 2009
50% less likely to be a member of the Village People

50% less likely to be a member of the Village People

Seeing Shipwreck likes this seems…wrong. He’s not even in the movie!

GAAAAH!

August 9th, 2009
Ugh.  NOOOO!

Ugh. NOOOO!

Damn you, PB&J Gamer Grub! DAMN YOOOOU!

G.I. Joe is a movie now

August 9th, 2009

Like a live action one with actual actors. And it entertained me. It wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination, but I did not want my money back.

Really I didn’t mind the cheese or the bad dialog, because it is G.I. Joe after all. What I did mind is how it falls apart at the end with really bad Star Wars idea ripoffs. It’s also made dumber than you would expect by the inclusion of a whole personal relationship subplot that is complex, silly, and doesn’t fit in the G.I. Joe story very well.

Wait for the DVD. And watch G.I. Joe Resolute first.

For SCIENCE: PB&J Gamer Grub Taste Test

August 3rd, 2009

We all know “gamers” are a special brand of people.  Specifically, they are manbabies with rooms full of Mario dolls and Gears of War posters and they must have every single thing under the sun marketed directly to them so that nobody accidentally mistakes them for a “non-gamer” and perhaps forgets to provide the appropriate wedgie.  There’s even a gamer razor.  Gamer food is a gradually growing new market, and one that I shall explore for you, subjecting my body to the rigors of SCIENCE, so that you may witness the results from the safety of your untainted body.

I shall begin with Gamer Grub, although I have tested some horrible “mana” and “health” potions previously and I’ll dig that out for you later.  I went with PB&J as my starter, because who doesn’t love PB&J?

Let’s make this clear: any shmuck can grab a bag of Doritos or maybe some M&Ms if you don’t want cheese dust all over your keyboard, but apparently if you do this you are settling for less!  Apparently careful application of scientific principles have been used to make Gamer Grub the perfect energy source for a gamer.  And no, a power bar is not ok.  Gamers have VERY SPECIFIC energy needs!  So remember that when you realize this crap costs like 2-3 times what a normal snack product will run you.

In order to best emulate the environment Game Grub is designed for, I sat down with Battlefield Heroes last night.  I was hoping my poor kill/death ratio would be vastly improved by the mighty vitamins and minerals contained in this food-like product.  Gamer Grub comes in one of those tear-away top bags with a ziplock inside so you can keep it fresh while not pausing to munch, so I put it next to my glowing blue hardcore gamer keyboard.

Gamer Grub, in all its glory

Gamer Grub, in all its glory

Upon actually opening Gamer Grub, I was confronted with a variety of food-like particles.  There were peanuts, peanut butter chips, “jelly chips,” bits of denatured strawberry, and “sweet bread.”  You might confuse the last one with sweetbreads, both in name and on visual inspection, but really it’s just sugar and starch in a tiny blob of crap.

Like some sort of horrible potpourri

Like some sort of horrible potpourri

You can imagine I had serious thoughts of giving up and calling it quits at this point, but SCIENCE must march on.  I poured a handful into my mouth and was confronted by a sugary peanut butter taste.  After a few more tries of that, I isolated a mushroom cap shaped “jelly chip” and chewed on it.  It was surprisingly good in a generic “Smuckers” kind of way.  At this point I decided that, despite all expectations, this stuff was pretty good, if pricey.

I then proceeded into the fray, playing Battlefield Heroes as I occasionally munched down more Gamer Grub.  Things seemed to be going well.  This lasted for nearly half an hour before I realized I had made a terrible mistake.  I was gradually overcome by vertigo and nausea and forced to retire from my gaming session early, which was hardly the frag-inducing state I had hoped to be in at that point.  I don’t think I recovered for about two hours.

OUTCOME: Experiment was terminated due to medical complications on the part of the testing subject.  Testing transcript follows.

Gamer grub report: PB&J is mostly PB, but I’m not feeling ill.  YET.

I’m trying hard to hate PB&J Gamer Grub and there’s not a lot to dislike here.

Verdict: NOMNOMNOM

I think I ate too much PB&J and now I’m a little sick.

I’m gonna BLOW CHUNKS!

Dizzy.  Must Lie down.  Gamer Grub = poison!

TRON Legacy

August 1st, 2009

Two things:

  • Not much new since the original teaser except a much better-quality tralier.
  • Tron Legacy is a much, much better name than TR2N.
  • Hell yeah!  It’s gonna be in THREE DEE!  That’s one more dee than I had expected.
  • I guess that was more than two things.

Last minute edit: Also, Daft Punk. WOO!