We all know “gamers” are a special brand of people. Specifically, they are manbabies with rooms full of Mario dolls and Gears of War posters and they must have every single thing under the sun marketed directly to them so that nobody accidentally mistakes them for a “non-gamer” and perhaps forgets to provide the appropriate wedgie. There’s even a gamer razor. Gamer food is a gradually growing new market, and one that I shall explore for you, subjecting my body to the rigors of SCIENCE, so that you may witness the results from the safety of your untainted body.
I shall begin with Gamer Grub, although I have tested some horrible “mana” and “health” potions previously and I’ll dig that out for you later. I went with PB&J as my starter, because who doesn’t love PB&J?
Let’s make this clear: any shmuck can grab a bag of Doritos or maybe some M&Ms if you don’t want cheese dust all over your keyboard, but apparently if you do this you are settling for less! Apparently careful application of scientific principles have been used to make Gamer Grub the perfect energy source for a gamer. And no, a power bar is not ok. Gamers have VERY SPECIFIC energy needs! So remember that when you realize this crap costs like 2-3 times what a normal snack product will run you.
In order to best emulate the environment Game Grub is designed for, I sat down with Battlefield Heroes last night. I was hoping my poor kill/death ratio would be vastly improved by the mighty vitamins and minerals contained in this food-like product. Gamer Grub comes in one of those tear-away top bags with a ziplock inside so you can keep it fresh while not pausing to munch, so I put it next to my glowing blue hardcore gamer keyboard.
Upon actually opening Gamer Grub, I was confronted with a variety of food-like particles. There were peanuts, peanut butter chips, “jelly chips,” bits of denatured strawberry, and “sweet bread.” You might confuse the last one with sweetbreads, both in name and on visual inspection, but really it’s just sugar and starch in a tiny blob of crap.
You can imagine I had serious thoughts of giving up and calling it quits at this point, but SCIENCE must march on. I poured a handful into my mouth and was confronted by a sugary peanut butter taste. After a few more tries of that, I isolated a mushroom cap shaped “jelly chip” and chewed on it. It was surprisingly good in a generic “Smuckers” kind of way. At this point I decided that, despite all expectations, this stuff was pretty good, if pricey.
I then proceeded into the fray, playing Battlefield Heroes as I occasionally munched down more Gamer Grub. Things seemed to be going well. This lasted for nearly half an hour before I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I was gradually overcome by vertigo and nausea and forced to retire from my gaming session early, which was hardly the frag-inducing state I had hoped to be in at that point. I don’t think I recovered for about two hours.
OUTCOME: Experiment was terminated due to medical complications on the part of the testing subject. Testing transcript follows.
Gamer grub report: PB&J is mostly PB, but I’m not feeling ill. YET.
I’m trying hard to hate PB&J Gamer Grub and there’s not a lot to dislike here.
I think I ate too much PB&J and now I’m a little sick.
I’m gonna BLOW CHUNKS!Dizzy. Must Lie down. Gamer Grub = poison!